I was holding my self-conscience at gunpoint... My feet was already over the line, on the floor, the question was whether i was willing to play the game. I wasnt saint, and I couldnt remember the point when i first crossed that line.... I gave up... Many...  My finger was hesitating on the trigger....

False start...

As of this moment I dare to say, my dear friend whose loyalty is strong enought to read my blog again, that the majority of my problems are... gone! Right now, I am sitting here as a free soul - my mind and body are fresh, able and willing to go forward. It's really true that the night is darkest just before the dawn. It was a long night, almost like Ragnarok. Snowy, rainy, dark, without a full moon. In my most desperate hours, I questioned many things about my inner self. From point to point, it only got worse. The feelings, those around me, the pretty faces... everything started to become a part of a nightmare called life. Anywhere I looked, spared a glance, have I only found sadness and a threat to my heart. In my darkest hour, I was about to torn apart, sweltering in my own tears. But this sentence helped me trough.

The night is darkest just before the dawn.

Everything came together. This gigantic sentence, the dark room I told you in my previous post, the deep pit Tinix was in, and was trying to climb out. Everything.

And then...

He appered, entered... with a huge smile on his face. Someone else was with him. A man, roped down to a chair. The guy with the huge smile gave me a revolver.

- You know what must be done Tinix, dont you? I mean... look around. There is this gun, there is that man... source of all your problems. There is really no other way really, so.... introduce a little anarchy. Upset, the established order... and everything becomes chaos.

With that sentence, he put the gun in my hand. It was loaded, ready to be used, to be aimed at whatever, whoever i wanted. I myself, saw no other option. The guy with huge smile and scary yet funny make up was right. I had to kill my self-consience. I was holding him at gunpoint. He had nowhere to run, or as a matter of fact, move a finger. But my finger was hesitating on the trigger. My arm was shaking a little bit. He felt it, leaned to me and started to whisper.

- You know what I know... Tinix. The guy is up to no good. Killing him may set you free. You may loose your chains at last, which is making you loose and left behind all the time. You just send a bullet or two into him, and everything is sold. You can became the man you need to be. You cannot become that with him, clearly you can see it soooooo.... shoot him. There is really no other way... shoot him!

I wasnt able to.

- Ah youre weak, arent you. Look at me! - he said. But i couldnt turn my head, so he shouted.

- LOOK AT ME!!! - A moment later my eyes were on him. - You see I dont want to have any hard feelings between me and you Tinix, but you are testing my calm nature. Pull the trigger. Show the world that you are capable even more. Turn your back on your own rules and surprise everybody... Listen, if you... dont deal with this now, soon you will fall behind forever and....

- SHUT UP! - I sad. - You know, maybe... just maybe hes not even the rigth guy to point a gun at! How about instead of him, I send a bullet or two into your body, huh? Maybe hes not even my self-concsience, maybe... you.... You, you, you! Maybe it was you all along. - I steped forward to the guy and pointed the gun to his neck. - Youre the one who is telling me theese brilliant ideas, maybe you deserve to get deleted more than he does.

- But he is just another part of your inner-self, your self-conscience, young man. A very important one, if I may say. - an old man entered. - As we all are. The one with self-critisicm, the one with the jokes, the one with moral and so on. You cannot destroy any of them with that gun in your hand, without destroying an important part of your personality. If you feel that you are already playing the game... play it fair. Do what you ought to do. Make the choice you are ought to make. The right one.

I realesed the trigger, and the gun disappeared. I found myself in that deep pit again, I was climbing out but this time, I was successfull. I managed to understand that instead of giving up the parts of my personality, I needed to accept them, fight with them, and sometimes.... unite them. And the moment I realised this I lost yet another of my holding chains. Finally, I was able climb to the top and see the many things around me.

It was the evergetting stronger light of the rising sun, which helped my first steps ont the surface. The lights of the dawn.

I was in a hurry... pushing the big red button.

Sietnem kell. Eljött az önmegvalósítás ideje, s az idő nem végtelen. A nap csak bizonyos ideig ragyog fenn az égen, majd ismét hanyatlani kezd, s rákészül, hogy elbújjon a látóhatár mögött. Cselekdni kell, nincs örökké nappal.

Most kezdődik a tánc!

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